I'm Mourning The Old Kidz Bop Kids

I’m just supposed to be into Sierra and Cooper now like Matt and Ashlynn never existed?

12/27/2016 11:13 am ET

They replaced the Kidz Bop kids, you guys.

They just sprung it on us one day, with no more advance warning than a “Big News Coming” Facebook post.

Kidz Bop is a group of four singing/dancing/sexually nonthreatening/mildly diverse kids who record sanitized versions of pop songs for children. Some people find them very annoying, but I could see why these bouncy, nene-ing, musical theater fantasy covers of Justin Bieber and Sia are highly appealing to kids.

Look at them just goofing around behind the scenes and doing blind taste tests of different kinds of cereal! That could be my life! 

My kid likes to watch the Kidz Bop videos on YouTube and it keeps me up to speed with what pop music the kids are listening to, even if I never know the artist or hear the original song. I wouldn’t say I watch actively, but I guess I’ve seen enough that I’ve grown accustomed to their faces, as the old song goes (not covered by Kidz Bop).

They replaced “have some really good sex” with “send a really nice text” in Bruno Mars’ “Lazy Song” and I haven’t stopped laughing about it. 

The other thing about the Kidz Bop kids though, is that they have a Menudo-like setup in which one group of kids who are starting to get a little old get replaced with a younger, fresher crop. And it HAPPENED, you guys.

You know it’s a reality, but you still don’t expect to see it in your lifetime. And you really don’t expect to see the one Kidz Bop kid who apparently has some kind of contractual obligation sadistically forced to introduce his replacements, which have now multiplied to six. 

And I’m just supposed to be into Sierra and Cooper now like Matt and Ashlynn never existed? 

The really scary part is that my kid doesn’t even care. “Who do you like better?” the new Kidz Bop kids or the old Kidz Bop kids?” I asked him.

“What?” he asked, confused like there was no old, no new, only a beautiful Kidz Bop rainbow stretching out across eternity.

“I like the new kids and the old kids and the next new kids. I like all the kids,” he says, once he finally understands the seriousness of Mommy’s inquiry.

And now I feel like a dick. So we looked at new Kidz Bop kid Cooper’s Instagram. He’s from Kentucky and likes Twenty One Pilots. One time a bat flew into his house. I have to admit he’s a really good dancer.

But I can’t help but wonder what the old Kiz Bop kids are doing. Are they off sulking somewhere, or happy to move on? Are they finally allowed to sing the dirty parts of songs? Is it weird for a 33-year-old woman to be this invested in them?

I don’t care, I’m too old to get into a new crop of dancing, singing tweens. Grant, Matt, Ashlynn and Sela, I will hold you in my hearts. You will always be the true Kidz Bop kids to me.


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